Tag Archives: mental health

Still Showing Up

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First, I want to apologize for my inconsistency with writing.

I’ve been training harder, and my daughter has cross country and basketball, so there hasn’t been as much time to sit down at the computer and write.

But maybe that’s part of what this journey is about too.

Life doesn’t stop because I’m working on myself.

There are still practices, games, work, family events, responsibilities, and everything else that comes with having a family.

And lately, I’ve been learning to be thankful for where I am today.

Not just where I want to be.

Learning to Be Grateful

I’ve spent a lot of time focused on where I’m going.

250 pounds.

A half marathon.

Better health.

Better endurance.

More discipline.

But over the past couple of weeks, I’ve started thinking more about where I actually am.

When I started running, I was 340 pounds.

I was dealing with sickness, uncertainty, and a lot of unknowns.

I couldn’t just go out and run.

I started with intervals.

Run.

Walk.

Repeat.

Eventually, I worked my way up to being able to jog continuously for 30 minutes.

Tomorrow, I’ll be running 9 miles continuously.

That’s a pretty big difference.

And I think it’s important to recognize that.

I’m not where I want to be yet, but I’m nowhere near where I started.

I’m Thankful for the People Who Got Me Here

This journey hasn’t been mine alone.

My wife has been one of the biggest reasons I’ve continued showing up.

She’s supported me, held me accountable, and pushed me to get out there on the days when I didn’t want to.

My children have given me something I didn’t realize I had lost.

They made me a dreamer again.

They remind me that I want to be around, healthy, capable, and present for as much of their lives as I possibly can.

I’m also thankful for people I don’t even know.

The guys working inside new homes in subdivisions during the heat, probably working in conditions hotter than what I was running in.

The bigger guys taking their first step into their own journey.

The people who are just trying to get started.

And even the people like David Goggins who constantly remind you of the simplest part of all of this:

Do the work.

Get it done.

There are a lot of different reasons people start changing their lives.

But eventually, you still have to show up.

I Don’t Want to Do This Anymore

I’m not going to lie about this part.

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve wanted to quit.

I’ve thought about giving all of this up.

I got strep.

I was sick for several days.

I stopped running.

And once I stopped, I got comfortable.

I wanted to sit on the couch.

I wanted to watch television.

I wanted to eat whatever I wanted.

For the first time since starting this journey, I genuinely didn’t want to do it anymore.

I didn’t want to run.

And those thoughts are still there.

I’m dealing with them right now.

Maybe that’s normal.

Maybe everyone reaches a point where the excitement of starting something new wears off and you’re left with the work itself.

Because when I look at my life right now, I’m constantly moving.

Work.

Training.

Kids’ events.

Family functions.

Running.

Responsibilities.

There isn’t much downtime.

And sometimes I just want to be comfortable.

That’s the battle I’ve been having internally.

The difference is that I’m still showing up.

The Training Has Changed

A couple of weeks ago, I completed my 7-mile long run at a 17:05 pace.

Hell yeah, I was cooking.

Looking back, I was also getting sick and didn’t know it yet.

That Monday morning, I had that familiar tingling and itching in my throat that had been hanging around for a while.

I ended up taking three days off and started medication.

When I came back, I kept things light.

Friday night, I went to the gym and did an easy Zone 2 run along with some leg work.

Saturday morning, I wasn’t feeling great.

But I ran 8 miles anyway.

My pace dropped to 17:56.

I had regressed.

And I noticed something I couldn’t ignore.

At my current pace, I would barely make the four-hour cutoff for the half marathon.

That wasn’t good enough for me.

I’m not interested in simply surviving the race.

I want to train as hard as I can while still training intelligently and safely.

So the plan has changed.

I’m incorporating tempo runs.

Hill runs.

More aggressive training.

More structure.

Tomorrow is my 9-mile long run, and the goal is to run it at a more aggressive pace—closer to my planned half marathon pace.

I’ve also purchased the tickets for December 5th.

So now there’s really no pretending this isn’t happening.

We’re running the damn half marathon.

The Weight Has Slowed Down

The other side of this equation is my weight.

I’m still around 300 pounds.

And honestly, I haven’t done as well with food lately.

As my running volume increased, I started eating more.

I think part of me justified it because I was training more.

But calories still count.

Running doesn’t give me permission to completely lose control of my eating.

So I’m dialing that back in.

The scale hasn’t moved much lately, and I think my eating habits are a big part of that.

That’s another reminder that this journey isn’t just about running.

I can run more miles and still make poor decisions.

The work doesn’t stop just because one area is improving.

Sleep Is Improving Too

For the past month, I’ve averaged around six hours of sleep a night.

That might not sound impressive.

But before this, I was averaging four to five.

So I’m going to count it as progress.

Maybe I’ve been sleeping more because I’ve been sick.

Maybe my body is finally demanding more recovery because I’m training harder.

Either way, I feel better overall.

And I’m learning that progress doesn’t always look like a lower number on the scale or a faster pace.

Sometimes progress is simply getting an extra hour of sleep.

Sometimes it’s showing up when you don’t want to.

Sometimes it’s recognizing that you need to change the plan instead of pretending the current plan is working.

I Don’t Give Up

I’m proud of the results I’ve gotten so far.

I’m also lacking motivation right now.

Both things can be true.

Maybe it’s because I haven’t felt well.

Maybe it’s because I’m repeatedly beating my body up through training.

Maybe I’m just tired.

Maybe I’m reaching the part of the journey where the work isn’t exciting anymore.

Whatever the reason is, I don’t think motivation is going to solve it.

Discipline will.

And that’s one thing I’ve learned about myself through all of this.

I don’t give up.

I’ve wanted to.

I’ve thought about it.

I’ve wanted to sit on the couch and eat bad food and stop worrying about all of this.

But I’m still here.

Still running.

Still training.

Still working.

Still showing up for my family.

Still moving forward.

This is probably the toughest challenge I’ve taken on yet.

And I’m proud of who I am today.

Actually, I think I’ve become something better than I was before.

The best way I can describe it is this:

I have become a control monster, where before I was just a monster.

I’m learning to control the things I can control.

My actions.

My discipline.

My choices.

My effort.

My response when things don’t go according to plan.

I don’t need to be perfect.

I just need to keep moving.

Be proud of who you are today.

Do the work.

And always continue forward.

Forward under load.

Mistakes Make Better Runners

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There are weeks when everything clicks.

There are weeks when you set a personal best.

And then there are weeks where every run teaches you something you didn’t know before.

This was one of those weeks.

Showing Up Anyway

I’ll start with some honesty.

This wasn’t my best week.

It wasn’t my fastest.

It wasn’t my strongest.

It was simply a week where I kept showing up.

Sometimes that’s enough.

Sunday started exactly how I wanted it to.

An hour and a half of upper-body strength training.

Running is helping me lose weight, but I know if I stop lifting, I’ll eventually lose muscle too. I’ve always had broad shoulders and good upper-body strength.

Maybe it’s genetics.

Maybe it’s from years of carrying kids, groceries, backpacks, and every random thing my family asked me to haul around.

I’ll let you decide.

After the gym, I headed out for what was supposed to be a four-mile run.

That’s when I learned a lesson the hard way.

The Day My Knees Caught Fire

Earlier that morning, my knees were bothering me, so I rubbed Icy Hot on them.

Seemed like a good idea.

What I failed to consider was the weather.

It was 98 degrees with a heat index of 107.

I also sweat.

A lot.

About a mile and a half into the run, my knees felt like they were literally on fire.

Not uncomfortable.

Not sore.

On. Fire.

I managed three miles before calling it quits because there was no convincing myself to keep going.

Back home, I tried everything to get the burning to stop.

Then I made mistake number two.

I jumped into a warm shower.

If you’ve ever put Icy Hot on your body, you already know what happened next.

It somehow burned even worse.

The cold shower finally brought some relief, and I spent the next couple of hours sitting in my recliner with cold towels draped across my knees wondering if I was about to become the first person to visit the emergency room because of muscle cream.

Thankfully, by that evening, everything was fine.

Lesson learned.

No more Icy Hot before running.

A Bigger Engine Doesn’t Mean You Floor It

After taking a couple of days off, I was back on Wednesday.

The weather had cooled into the mid-80s.

The plan called for an easy recovery run.

My brain had other ideas.

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve started feeling something different.

I finally feel like I’m becoming a runner.

My stride has naturally started getting longer.

My body is changing.

Running feels…different.

So instead of following the plan, my ego decided it wanted to see what this new engine could do.

I ran my first mile in 13 minutes and 29 seconds.

For me, that’s flying.

For about thirteen minutes, I felt unstoppable.

Then reality showed up.

The remaining sixteen minutes became an exercise in survival.

Every step reminded me why coaches tell you to trust the plan.

I paid for that first mile.

But I’m glad I made that mistake during training instead of on race day.

Sometimes experience is the best coach.

Running in the Rain

Thursday brought another first.

Rain.

Thunder.

Heat.

And somehow…

Peace.

There’s something difficult to explain about running through a storm.

Knowing everyone else is inside where it’s comfortable while you’re outside chasing a goal creates a different kind of energy.

It isn’t about proving anything to anyone else.

It’s about proving something to yourself.

Those are the runs you’ll remember.

Solving Problems on the Fly

Yesterday’s run reminded me that running is really just problem-solving in motion.

My heart rate was running much higher than normal.

I was frustrated.

The weather wasn’t terrible.

I hadn’t changed much.

Then I noticed my right calf.

It felt swollen and tight.

That’s when it clicked.

Over the last week, I’d changed my stride.

Longer strides meant different muscles were doing more work.

I shortened my stride back to what felt natural.

Almost immediately, things settled down.

Problem identified.

Adjustment made.

Keep moving.

That mindset feels familiar.

In operations, things rarely go according to plan.

You don’t panic.

You troubleshoot.

You adapt.

You solve the problem with the information you have.

Running isn’t much different.

Every mile is collecting data.

Every run teaches you something.

The goal isn’t perfection.

The goal is learning fast enough to keep moving forward.

One Battle I Still Haven’t Won

If there’s one area that continues to hold me back, it’s sleep.

I’m still averaging far less than I should.

I’ve tried melatonin.

I’ve tried CBD.

I’ve tried magnesium glycinate.

I’ve even tried prescription medication, but I’d rather not rely on it long-term.

Some things make me feel drowsy.

None of them have consistently helped me sleep.

I know recovery isn’t optional.

It’s part of training.

It’s probably the next habit I need to figure out.

Because fitness isn’t built only during the workout.

It’s built while your body recovers afterward.

If you’ve struggled with sleep and found something that genuinely helped—not just another supplement—I would love to hear it.

What worked for you?

Leave me a comment. I’m always looking to learn from people who’ve been where I am.

Looking Ahead

This week wasn’t about breaking records.

It was about making mistakes.

Learning from them.

Adjusting.

And showing up again anyway.

Burning knees.

An ego check.

A rainstorm.

A sore calf.

None of those things stopped the journey.

They simply became part of it.

I’m beginning to realize that becoming a runner isn’t about learning how to run.

It’s about learning how to adapt.

One mistake.

One adjustment.

One mile at a time.

Slow.

Steady.

Deliberate.

Forward under load.

Choosing Forward

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There are weeks when the miles matter.

There are weeks when the scale matters.

And then there are weeks where simply refusing to quit is the biggest victory of all.

This week was one of those weeks.

The Reality Behind the Progress

My current weight is 295 pounds.

When I started documenting this journey back in June, I weighed 310 pounds. Seeing 295 isn’t the finish line, but it reminds me that consistency adds up, even when life feels like it’s pulling you in every direction.

Running continued this week, although not as much as I had planned.

This week’s numbers:

  • Weight: 295 lbs
  • Runs: 3
  • Total distance: 9 miles
  • Longest run: 4.2 miles in 1:16:40
  • Average pace: 19:05 per mile
  • Average heart rate: 139 bpm
  • Total steps: 53,030
  • Total walking/running distance: 24 miles
  • Average daily steps: 8,698
  • Strength training: Upper body session
  • Average sleep: 5 hours, 32 minutes

One run stands out more than the others.

The temperature was in the 90s with a heat index around 110 degrees. Every logical excuse said to skip it.

I ran anyway.

Not because it was enjoyable.

Because becoming the person I want to be means learning to keep promises to myself, even when the conditions aren’t ideal.

A Wake-Up Call

This week also brought something I had been dreading.

I had an EGD, and if I’m being honest, I was scared.

I’ve never been put under anesthesia as an adult, and sitting there waiting forced me to think about how years of drinking and eating poorly have caught up with me.

Thankfully, the news was better than I feared.

There was no cancer and nothing immediately serious. The doctor found inflammation and red spots in the lining of my stomach, and I’ll learn more at my follow-up appointment.

A previous ultrasound also revealed that I have fatty liver disease. My liver is enlarged, and it’s another reminder that my health isn’t something I can continue putting off.

Exercise, better nutrition, and Omega-3 supplements are part of the treatment now.

There isn’t a shortcut out of this.

Only better decisions made consistently.

Running Gave Me Another Option

I’ll admit something that’s uncomfortable to say out loud.

With everything happening in my personal life, my health, and the uncertainty at work, I’ve wanted to drink.

The old version of me would have.

That was how I handled pain.

I would numb it.

I would run away from it.

This time has been different.

I don’t know if it’s because I found running.

Maybe it’s because I’m 33 years old.

Maybe it’s because I have children who are watching me more closely than I realize.

Maybe it’s all of those things together.

Whatever the reason, when life has pushed me toward self-destruction, I’ve chosen to lace up my shoes instead.

Running hasn’t solved my problems.

It has simply given me a healthier direction to carry them.

And for right now, that’s enough.

My greatest accomplishment this week wasn’t another mile.

It wasn’t a faster pace.

It wasn’t a lower number on the scale.

It was staying sober.

Learning to Take Care of Myself

One lesson surprised me this week.

I realized I need time for myself.

For years, I’ve tried to be present for everyone else.

My wife.

My kids.

My job.

The people who depend on me.

Recently, I decided not to attend one of my kids’ basketball weekends.

That wasn’t because I don’t love them or don’t care.

Anyone who knows me knows I’ve spent years coaching, supporting, and investing in them. Basketball has been a huge part of my life since I was young, and I still believe in what they’re capable of becoming.

But I also realized something.

You can’t keep pouring from an empty cup.

For thirteen years, I’ve made sure everyone else’s needs came first.

This Sunday, I stayed home.

I sat in the quiet.

I listened to music.

I wrote.

And for the first time in a long time, I felt like I was taking care of myself instead of simply surviving another week.

That doesn’t make me a bad father.

It makes me a healthier one.

Looking Ahead

There are still storms I’m walking through.

Some are health-related.

Some are personal.

Some are happening at work as our organization continues to change.

I’m not ready to share every detail yet.

Maybe someday I will.

For now, I’m choosing to keep moving.

The goal for the next seven days isn’t perfection.

It’s simply to be better than I was this week.

One better decision.

One more run.

One more healthy meal.

One more night without alcohol.

I’m learning that resilience isn’t surviving until the storm passes.

Sometimes resilience is learning how to live while the storm is still here.

Slow. Steady. Deliberate.

Forward under load.

Where I’m Starting From

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This is a continuation of my journey of rebuilding under pressure.

I’m 33 years old, 6’1”, currently 310lbs, and working my way down to 250lbs. I’ve already lost about 30lbs so far, but I still consider this the beginning of a longer process—not the middle or the end.

My current routine

Right now, I run four times a week in the afternoon. I usually run with my wife and three kids. It’s not perfect training conditions, but it’s consistent—and consistency is what matters right now.

Some days feel easier than others, but I’ve learned not to measure progress by how I feel in the moment. I measure it by whether I showed up or not.

Changes I’ve made

One of the biggest changes has been my eating habits.

We don’t eat out daily anymore. That was a difficult adjustment at first, especially with our kids involved in travel basketball and busy schedules.

But my wife has stepped up in a major way. Most of our meals now are simple, consistent, and home-cooked—rice, chicken breast or ground turkey, and vegetables.

It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being better than before.

Alcohol and health

I haven’t had alcohol since February 2025, when my health concerns first started becoming real to me.

That change alone has had a noticeable impact—not just physically, but mentally as well.

Sleep and recovery

Right now, sleep is still something I’m working on. I average about 5–6 hours per night.

It’s not ideal, but it’s where I am currently. The goal is to improve it gradually without trying to force unrealistic changes that don’t fit my responsibilities.

What a good day looks like

A good day for me is simple.

It’s being present with my children and watching them laugh without a care in the world.

Recently, I had three good days in a row. I felt more present, more calm, and more connected with my family. I was off work during that time, and I used it to unwind—watch movies, spend time with my kids, and just be in the moment.

Those are the days I want more of.

What I’m working toward

My wife and I are currently training for a half marathon on December 5th, 2026. That goal gives structure to our running and keeps us focused on something beyond just weight loss.

Right now, I’m tracking both my running and my weight loss consistently. Nothing complicated—just awareness and accountability.

This is where I am right now.

Not finished. Not perfect. But moving forward.

One step at a time, under real responsibility.